Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Big Brother

We sat beside each other, exchanging sushi from each others plates. One conversation led to another and all of a sudden we were talking about Catie. I explained that I haven't felt anything toward her death in the past weeks. Its like I'm back to that numb stage. But it doesn't feel suffocating, it feels, well, like nothing. I started to pour my heart out.

"I don't know. I haven't been thinking about her and that scares me. I talk about her to the boys when Joey brings it up, like she's over at my parents. Is that normal? I mean, I'm not crying, I'm not sick to my stomach. I almost feel like I've adjusted somehow and I'm not putting my energy into being sad but then I think I must just be in denial. Ignoring it in order to function. ...But then I accidentally came across her picture on the computer and she was just laying there, pale and worn out. Its that picture of her with that tape all across her face holding all the equipment in place."

I'm not sure what made me take the picture but I know I can't delete it because there are only so many of her. Never enough and without this one, even though it hurts to look at, it would be one less. Her dark, thick eyelashes almost distract from the tape. They were so beautiful.

"When I saw it, I just stared at it. It stung.. but still, I didn't cry.. I'm not sure why, I'm just not thinking about it."

Kyle sat back. He said, "thats crazy cause its all I think about, that picture. she died. Watching her stop breathing." He shook his head and leaned over the bar.
"I will never forget having to call Tony. I didn't know what to say, I just told him he had to come back."
He shrugged his shoulders, and shook his head again as if he could shake the memory out. His eyes filled with tears.

I sometimes forget in this busy life that memories don't go away. They get buried behind busy schedules and to-dos but things like watching your sibling die just doesn't go away.

Catie wasn't Kyles biological sister, but from the minute he stepped into the picture he loved her like she was. To this day, he hasn't stopped loving her, caring about her, and missing her.

He is remarkable.