Sunday, March 10, 2013

She's crying, AGAIN

Every Sunday morning, I tell myself not to cry. I debate whether or not to even apply eye liner for fear of not holding it in and looking like a soggy raccoon. Its taking longer to adjust to Catie being gone than I thought it would.

My sister listens to this song, I Drive Your Truck and sweetly mentions how much it means to her. Although I do visit the cemetery weekly, sometimes multiple times a week if Joey asks, I don't feel closest to Catie there. I feel uncomfortable in her old room, I don't care much to pet her dog. I do however, feel closest to her at church. If you compared it to the song, church was Catie's truck times 10. The highlight of her week, she lit up when she could go. She was always passionate about her faith and even when she couldn't speak she'd clap her hands and slam them down onto her knees over and over during worship. She'd try to sing as loud as possible, even when she couldn't say the words. She still managed to put her hands together to pray, even when her fingers wouldn't fold together. She'd close her eyes and bow her head. I often felt relieved that she couldn't see anymore and I didn't have to deal with the, "mom! Kelly had her eyes open when we were praying!!! remarks. I don't go to church on Sunday to feel close to Catie, but, I'm glad that it works out that way anyway. except today, was more difficult.

We started to sing "turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in his wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace." These all too familiar words stung deep into my heart. They took my breath away and replaced it with tears in my eyes. Catie often sang this song, and beautifully I might add. Her voice was soft and angelic but also strong at the same time. This song was one of her special songs.. and that is why my mom sang it to her at her bedside during her last hours.

I sat in a chair next to Kyle in her dark room listening as my mom sang to Catie. Her voice was tired and crackly. She wasn't really crying, but you could clearly hear her heart aching. I'd look up to confirm what was really going on occasionally, and each time I'd see the same thing. My mom was standing the same way she had been all day long. She was leaning against the bed, one arm under Catie's head and one arm on her chest. Her head rested on a pillow right beside Catie's, close to her face. She sang this song to Catie along with others. She looked exactly like you'd imagine a mother to look. Broken and numb, but strong and comforting. Like she wasn't going to move until her daughter was at peace. It was as beautiful as something so awful could be.

That was the image I saw as the church sang that song together today. But, how perfect, are the words. The things of earth... the daily struggles, frustrations, heart aches etc. grow dim when you turn your eyes to Jesus. Its not a popular thing to do.. It sounds crazy to most people. How do you turn your eyes to someone you can't see?? Faith. The kind of faith that Catie had..the kind of faith my mom has, that allowed her to know her daughter would be in heaven after taking her last breath. I'm so thankful for the grace God has shown to me, to allow me to have a hope in a future and a peace for the present. A real faith.

So to the poor people always standing next to me week after week listening to me sniffle, I do not have allergies, I have issues. ..and yes, I'm working on them. :)

1 comment:

  1. You dont have issues. Everytime im in vacaville I try to go visit catie and I thought it would be easier but I still cry my eyes out everytime. And I find it very hard to go over to your mom's still. I kno she wasn't my sister and you had a deeper bound with her, but I know what your going through I miss her every day and cry everytime I think of her. Love you Kelly stay strong!!!! Hugs!!!!!!! ~Sandy~