Dancing Queen

Anne Marie. My youngest sister and the second one of my siblings to physically battle Batten Disease. She is something else. She spent the second half of last week with me. On Saturday we ended up enjoying some froyo with a friend of mine who was in town for the weekend. I brought headphones and was prepared to plug some Taylor Swift into her ears so I could play catch up in an hour without being interrupted. I loaded up her froyo cup knowing she wouldn't settle for less than too much and turned up the tunes. She began to sing really loudly and just like normal, snapped at me if I asked her to quiet down a bit. Finally I thought, "meh. who cares! I dare someone to say something.. the kid is FINALLY enjoying herself."
Our froyo date quickly came to an end and we got in the car to head home. Hopeful that she would respond in a positive way, I turned on the radio and found some Garth Brooks. With Annie, you never know if turning on the radio will get you yelled at or start up a round of karoke but on this day it was a hit. I saw that she liked the song so I turned it up as loud as I could and rolled down her window.

"hey girl!!! shake it!!! lemme see yo dance moves honay!!" I shouted to her.
She immediately sat up in her seat and started dancing her tail feathers off. Along with her dancing was a lot of laughing. REAL laughing!! I just stared at her and tried to keep my eyes on the road at the same time. It was one of those very rare moments with her where you felt light. I'm not sure really how to explain it other than using the word "light." Like, you aren't walking on egg shells wondering when she will start screaming and raging which leaves your whole body tight and tense. Instead, you feel light like a feather, floating carelessly through the sunshine. Finally, I pulled out my phone and started video taping her. This was a moment that I had to be able to look back at, especially on bad days.

"Kel!! I'm gonna kiss boys!! don't tell dad!" she shouted as she laughed uncontrollably.  Her light brown hair was pulled back in little rubber bands with soft frizzy whispies curling around her hairline. Her eyes were bright and happy, opened all the way except for when she'd squint out of laughter. She was relaxed and enjoying herself and with that came a big smile. Usually, if you ask her to smile, like for a picture or something, she does this weird forced smile where her cheeks are pulled across her face like a rubber band. But this was not one of those smiles.. it was natural and explosive. She waved her hands all around and shook her shoulders. She looked so much like Catie.

We continued down Elmira road. I was so caught up in the moment that I wasn't paying any attention to where we were until I looked over and just passed this little dancing queen, outside her window were the large iron gates to the cemetery where Catie is laid to rest. My stomach turned and my throat felt as if it had shut. My eyes filled with tears and I felt like everything was suddenly paused. In a split second I thought to myself, "there is no way. She is so so happy and she has no idea that we just drove past her future resting place. Its empty now, nothing but a spot of green grass next to Catie's grave sight. Before I know it, this laughing, dancing, singing sister of mine will be gone also. Unable to be seen, heard or touched, She will leave this world just like Catie did."
I did my best to keep laughing out loud knowing that as long as I sounded happy Annie wouldn't know I was crying.

We went home and were on to the next thing in the day, but I my mind was fully consumed with that moment in the car. A still shot in my mind of her smiling with the cemetery behind her. I felt as though I had two options. I could spend the rest of the day and possibly the next, angry. Angry at God, at the world, at life. Or, I could be thankful for that moment we shared in the car together. Thankful that I had my phone and caught her laughing on video to be able to save forever. Thankful that although I will lose another sister to batten disease, that there can still be beautiful parts of life! Its not all bad. I know that its a gift to be able to believe that. To have HOPE. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have a hope in heaven and in a savior. I chose to be thankful rather than angry. That didn't mean I wasn't sad about it. I'm even crying now thinking about the day that I go to visit Catie AND Annie at the cemetery. But like I said, even in the sadness there are happy moments that I can treasure forever. That dance off was one of the happy ones.