A Conversation

I tucked O into his crib for his morning nap and quietly left the room. I walked down the hall, around the corner and my heart melted as I saw my Joey laying on the couch. His blue blanket was tucked under his arm and wrapped around his hands. His hair was messy and eyes still puffy from waking up just a short time before.
"Can I sit with you, bud?" I asked him. He looked up and smile, then nodded. We sat and cuddled watching one of his favorites, Lady and The Tramp. He adores this movie but is also very bothered by the crying dogs at the pound and the way the mean Aunt Sarah in the movie is cruel to Lady and her friend, Tramp.
"Aw, mommy I no like when dey sad." He quietly mumbled.
"I don't like it either.."
"Mommy, sometimes you get sad? you get sad when Catie Wosie hapt to go to heaben."

He asks this occasionally, always referring the word or feeling "sad" to Catie dying. I never want to admit to him that I'm sad, I feel as his mom that I should always be strong. I don't want him to worry about his mommy being anything other than happy. However, the truth is I am sad. I do miss my sister and I believe its better for him to understand that being sad is normal, though it doesn't feel good, there is nothing wrong with having that feeling. He is a very straight up kid. Everything is black and white, playing pretend isn't something that he enjoys too often. He likes things for what they are, he likes the truth, and so thats what I give him. In toddler amounts at least.. I also want him to know that although we are sad and miss Catie Rosie, we can be happy to know that she is all better now and has no boo-boos.

I took a deep breath and said, "yes Joey, sometimes mommy gets very sad. I even cry. Its because I miss Auntie Catie Rosie. But she's in heaven now so she's okay.." He looked up at me with a hopeful look and forced smile.
"yeah she did go to heaben but she gonna come back. I gonna see her today" he said, nodding his little head.
"No baby, we don't get to see her today. I wish we did! that would be so fun! But when someone goes to heaven they don't come back and visit."
"but she hap to! she hap to come someday!" He said in a very frustrated voice. His little blonde eyebrows scrunched tightly across his bright blue eyes.
"Sweetie, Catie Rosie is not coming to see us. I'm sorry, but we can draw her a picture for the angels to bring to heaven tonight if you'd like?"

We met with a grief psychiatrist about 1 month ago. Joey's appetite had decreased after Catie's death. We couldn't get him to eat meals, he wasn't even interested in snacks and often complained of stomach pain. His sleep pattern had changed and our independent, non-cuddle child was unable to fall asleep at night unless he was lying between Kyle and myself, one hand or foot touching us at all times. He began to isolate himself and would constantly ask where family members were in a panicked voice as if he was afraid someone else would die. Among other things, Joey had classic signs of childhood depression. The psychiatrist gave me some amazing tips to help Joey understand to his best ability, what death is. That every living thing dies and that it makes us sad. I asked him about the cemetery. Do I raise my boys going there? Joey could never understand what the cemetery is, so we came up with an idea to call it "Catie's Park." We can go there to think about Catie and when we miss her we can write her a letter, bring her a gift or something. When we leave it at her special spot in the park, angels will come at night to get the gifts and bring them to Catie Rosie in heaven. He has improved since this meeting so greatly that I canceled the last appointment scheduled and we have started having picnics at Catie's park. Today however, the idea of bringing something to the park was not enough..

Joey began to cry. He buried his face into his blue blanket and cried out, "no mom! she hap to come back. I not gonna bwing her anyting. I gonna see her."

I picked up my crying boy, holding back tears myself. I laid his little head on my chest and wrapped my arms all around him. I just held him tight and rocked him back and forth for a while.

"I know you're sad sweetie. Its ok to cry and be sad, Mommy loves you so much."

He was quiet and still, looked up at me, his eyes full of tears and said, "Mommy? Can I watch Toy Story?"

Thats my boy. Adapt and overcome. Toy Story it is...