A Bad Dream

Two months ago today, my family was changed forever. It was a change we knew was coming, we just didn't know how greatly it would hurt. For the last 62 days I have been hoping that today would hurt less, or that maybe the hurt would still be just as great but feel less intense. I've been told by the many people who have been through this kind of heart ache that it gets better, you get used to it, the days get easier etc. I guess it hasn't been long enough because it just hurts more and more. Losing my sister wasn't like a cut or wound. Where it hurts and after time the pain decreases.. It feels more like being thirsty and waiting and waiting for a drink of cold water. The longer you go without it the greater your thirst. Its like the more time that passes the more desperate I am to see her, hear her and touch her.

The day she passed runs through my head all day long like a video. I also dream it over and over.. My dream always starting with her laughing. Belly laughing like she loved to do. Then it transitions into her crying and then suddenly she is gone, my family circled around her sobbing. A nurse walks in and announces that we need to move her to a different hospital room and when we arrive to that room my dream starts all over again with her laughing etc. The brain is a crazy thing... the way it holds on to things. I don't cry as often when I wake from these dreams but I always try to go back to sleep so I can dream it again just so I can dream the very quick part when she's laughing.

I have moments daily where parts of that day flash through my mind. The one most often, for whatever reason, being a memory of my dad. I was sitting on the bench in front of the window of her room with my head on Kyles shoulder and I looked up to see my Daddy. He was sitting in a chair with a high back, both feet on the floor. His arms were laying on the side of the chair and his hands hung over the edge of the arm rest. His shoulders were sunk and his head hanging low. I noticed his face was dry. He had no tears in his eyes or on his face and he was quiet and still. He looked so quiet and calm that I thought I had been dreaming, that Catie hadn't passed. I looked up at my sister, her body white and cold. She wasn't moving, she wasn't making any sounds. Her black hair was softly brushed over to the side and her jaw relaxed open. I watched for her chest to rise and couldn't see movement. I didn't have my glasses on, maybe I just couldn't see clear enough? My mom was still holding her, one arm under her neck and one arm laying over her chest. I looked back at my dad who was in the same position, still not crying and I thought to myself, I really was dreaming. This was just a bad dream. My dad is too calm! She is still with us, she hasn't died! A split second of hope and desperation overcame me and I asked, "daddy, why aren't you crying?" I was waiting to hear him tell me its because he was thinking, or praying or resting next to her bed side. Instead, he told me, "I think I'm just out of tears." He then burried his face in his hands and started to sob. I knew then that I wasn't dreaming. My sister was gone.

That is the memory my mind replays the most. Day after day. even now, two months later, I can still feel that feeling of hope and desperation that she didn't really die. That my dads gonna say, "its ok kel, she's here." Its like a horrible mind game that I'm still waiting to end. I have to see proof of her death some days because I can't always accept it as reality. So, I look at her picture, the one from her viewing to confirm her body was there in a casket or I walk to my moms and sit in what used to be her room and I know its all true.

How perfect that this morning, as I struggle with the fact that its been another month without her, my purple Angel Face rose bush in the backyard bloomed another beautiful flower. That is God right there.. you can take that as coincidence or Caties spirit. I believe its the one true Holy Spirit showing his grace and mercy to me on this day. Reminding me that "to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord" and while this has been the worst two months of my life, my sister has no idea of time because she is in a place where time does not exist. She is just perfect and happy and more beautiful than I could ever imagine. I'm going to bring her this purple rose and press on through day 63 and day 64 and make the most of it until I can see her again..