Silence & Sunshine

I woke up and was still. My mind fuzzy as I began to try and figure out what day of the week it was, the date, the time. It was then that my eyes filled instantly with tears. I got out of bed and kissed the baby good morning and thanked God for my son and another day. I continued out to the kitchen to make our morning coffee and it was there that I began to sob. My chest tight and airway closing, my mind flooded with memories of Catie during her very last weekend of life, her weekend in Santa Cruz. I eventually caught my breathe, threw some cold water on my face, blew my nose and continued making coffee.

This happens quite often. A feeling of panic and overwhelming grief when I can clearly see my sisters face, her smile. The pain of missing her is so much more than I ever could have imagined. Still, life goes on. It does not stop and thats why the coffee was brewed and we were on our way to Santa Cruz for the day as a family.

I had tried multiple times to avoid this day trip, suggesting to my husband that we should save gas money, maybe spend the day with family instead. Use that time during the day to get things fixed up around the house etc. Each time I was told, in a child-like excitement, "no, I'm excited to go! Joey has been asking ever since the weekend of the Relay if we could go back. The thought of surprising him is getting me through these work days." What a guy. Really! My amazing husband, desperate to take his family away for the day. I know at any time I could have been honest and told him I wasn't ready to go back to Santa Cruz. Just the thought brought tears to my eyes and tightened my chest. I could have told him that although I know my sister is gone, I feel crazy enough to drive over to the beach house just to be sure she's not there. Hopeful that she could be and desperate that she would be. I could have told him, but he was excited to go for the sake of our little boy. Joey has literally been asking to return to Santa Cruz with daddy every day since the day we left that weekend in May. The weekend before Catie died, one week to the day before I made promises to her hours before she took her last breath. Promises that meant going to Santa Cruz with my husband and boys no matter how hard it might be. And so, off we went...

It was a beautiful day. Perfect blue skies, a warm breeze lightly blowing across the sand and my boys all around me. I took deep breaths and quietly sat and stared at the beach. Clearly imagining the flags and banners that lined the finish line years ago where Catie would find the strength to run across with her team of runners. I didn't cry, or get upset, I enjoyed the memories as they are sometimes hard to remember. While feeding Owen and thinking back on these special moments I was interrupted by Joey. "Mom!! hey Ma!! lets go down to da osen! I wuv it so much!" I handed the baby off to Kyle and walked down to the water with my son. As we got closer to the edge of the waves I felt his tiny hand, covered in sand and oily from sunscreen grab my fingers so very tightly. I looked down at him and saw his enormous smile looking up at me, his bright blue eyes shining, "Com'on! lets go in it! it so cold!!" I grabbed onto his hand and we walked into the water. The soft waves crashed into my legs while splashing up to his little waste and he squealed. I picked up his other hand and swung him up into the air above the water and back down into it, splashing back and forth. Thats when it happened, there in the sunshine. Suddenly I could hear nothing but complete silence. I looked down at him and he was hanging from my hands, his head dropped back and completely relaxed. His eyes were closed and his smile peacefully reaching from ear to ear. He held on tight, completely trusting me to hold him over the water and there he stayed, swinging back and forth. I couldn't hear the waves, I couldn't hear the children around us, I could only hear silence. I stood there staring at him and felt an incredible wave of peace and calmness completely wash over me. I was reminded in that moment of Gods perfect plan for my life. For the gift of my son. I felt completely grateful for the new memories made in that very moment and for the many more I know we will get to make together in the future.

As we were packing up the car and brushing all the sand off of our little boys my husband stopped and grabbed me. He looked into my eyes and thanked me for being brave. For putting our little family first and for going to Santa Cruz with him. He apologized for not considering the pain that might come out of returning there so soon and then kissed me softly. I assured him that while today was an extremely emotional day, he and the boys give me hope and  keep going. That earlier in that moment of Silence and Sunshine, I was able to breathe and know my sister was smiling down on me.